Sunday, August 24, 2014

A Different Year

It has been a year since my heart attack and triple bypass.  My life has changed completely in many ways.  My dear husband Bill passed away after I was able to go back to work.  I miss him more than I can say.  My family and friends have gathered around me, helpful, protective, loving and kind. I would not have gotten through this year without their support.  It has been a year of changes, a year of growth, a year of grief, a year of learning, a year of vulnerability, a year of strength, and a year of blessings.

Most of all, it has been different.

There are things that truly surprise you after you lose a partner of many years.  Coming home to an empty house (even though my dogs are barking to greet me) shakes me to the core.  Even now.  Cooking for one is not fun at all.  And I love to cook.  Not having someone to talk to, laugh with, argue with, and share with makes me very lonely.

But through it all, I am grateful.  I am grateful that Bill was part of my life for so long.  We loved to travel together and saw many beautiful and memorable places. I miss that.

Most of all, I miss the things that used to annoy me.  These are things I didn't understand at the time but now have a greater appreciation for his fears, his anxieties, his point of view.

It used to annoy me that he would only dry his hands with paper towels.  Now I miss seeing the paper towels on the counter.

It used to annoy me that he wanted to know when I would be home and if I wasn't there he would call me 5 minutes after the time I said I would be home because he was worried.

It used to annoy me that he would call me every day at lunchtime.  I miss this most of all.

I miss that I don't have him to take care of and that he can no longer take care of me.  I miss his love and don't quite know what to do with my love for him.

Most of all I don't think I appreciated him as much as I should have, let that be a lesson to all of you.  Life can change in an instant. 

Bill brought many lessons into my life and I am blessed and grateful that he was my friend, my partner, and my love.

I am moving on with my life.  Ready for new adventures and new lessons, new teachers, new vistas, and new experiences.

So I will start writing again.  I am getting to know my new students and enjoying their ideas, personalities, and smiles.

Life goes on, it just takes a different or new direction.

An oldie  but goodie, 1087

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